The old rule of thumb is not to tell people you are pregnant before 12 weeks- theory being so much can go wrong, that you might lose it and then people would know. This is just one of our societal conventions. After experiencing a miscarriage (twice), I have to say I don't agree.
First situation: 2 weeks after the the miscarriage (at about 7 weeks) we were heading down for my grandma's 90th birthday party. The party where I had been planning to share my big news with my entire family. We are an unruly bunch but super close. My cousins (all younger than I) are always whining about when I would give them a baby. They are young so they don't think about things like they might be trying and having problems. They just want something to cuddle without the responsibility. Well I couldn't have been dreading this more. Last minute, we told everyone via phone and I am so happy I did. I wasn't holding on to this dark secret. I was able to have fun and didn't secretly run off and cry.
Second situation: My husband grew up around here and he is still best friends with the same clan from high school. Now we are all coupled off and see each a couple times a month. We didn't tell this group and it honestly has been painful to hang out with them, because of the incessant baby talk. Then people started announcing their pregnancies, and while happy for them, the baby talk only ramped up. You couldn't believe the way a baby could be worked into any conversation or a pregnancy symptom. Someone was always insistenting on having their back rubbed because "it is a lot of work cooking a baby". I felt like even if they knew what happened and said all the same stuff I would be okay, I just hated the weight of a secret. So much time passed that I felt stupid saying anything to them, but I dreaded our outings.
Third situation: when the second miscarriage happened, we decided to tell that same group of friends, and even though there has been no shortage of baby talk, I enjoy hanging out with them again and holding their babies.
So that makes me wonder, should we really keep this stuff to ourselves? What do you think? What did or would you do?
You are so right! Not telling people doesn't make any sense. By not telling people, we have to keep our loss a secret as well, which is extremely painful. When I miscarried, I had told a few co-workers, and they gossiped and told some other people, and I didn't know who knew about my loss and who did. It was just awkward, and made me even more depressed. If people had known in the first place, I could have gotten some sympathy and words of encouragement. It is an odd social rule that our society has, and I don't like it!
ReplyDeleteits funny i feel the opposite we had a miscarriage over a year ago at 11 week and had told no one we were pregnant and thus needed to not tell them we lost it. Now we are trying again I would hate the thought that they'd all be talking about how it had been a year and "maybe they're infertile now...?" I could be wrong but I just assume that people like to talk and I would hate them to be talking about my most personal pains. Just my 2 cents.
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