The World is a Stage

You know how when you want to have a kid, it is all consuming? I am pretty sure you know what I am talking about. You start worrying that with each month you are only getting older and your eggs aren't getting any younger.

Lately I have started to be more observant about the life stages my friends are in. I have narrowed it down to four stages:

Stage 1: Single and no longer looking to mingle: These friends are either making their best efforts at match.com, e-harmony, speed dating, and set ups with their parent's neighbor's nephew, twice removed. Or these friends might have found their meant to be, but are so used to being on their own, they don't know if they should "settle" when there is absolutely nothing wrong with the guy.

Stage 2: The Free Birds: These people have either been married a short amount of time, or just really love their freedom and flexibility and would rather spend their time and money traveling now. They definitely want kids, but not for a couple more years.

Stage 3: The "I'm Ovulating!" crew: This cohort is compromised of couples who are trying to make a baby like it is their full time job. Ahh, am I familiar with this one. They don't drink, don't smoke, they take their pre-natal vitamins, eagerly visit their doctor for a pre-conception check-up and most noteably, force themselves on their man at minimum of every other day for a week each month.

Stage 4: The Parentals: These are people that have successfully graduated from the first three stages and now can't go anywhere with child after 7pm and if they do need to be somewhere during these witching hours they are paying the babysitter through the nose.

So why the sociological study? When you are in the thick of trying to conceive, it can be so all consuming. Everything you eat or drink is about this hypothetical baby. Your thoughts are all about conception timing. I was going through some old papers from work and found page after page of my homespun calendars calculating when I might ovulate and my fertile days. I would come up with ways to avoid work trips during the time I thought I would ovulate. I went through a period where I was traveling to the west coast a lot and I would set my alarm for 4 am every morning to making sure I didn't miss my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor window. Point being I stopped looking at what was great about my situation and was so fixated on getting pregnant. So let's discuss.

Reasons why Stage 3 is better than Stage 1: Single and no longer looking to mingle: I just turned 32 and I have a huge chunk of single girl friends from about 30 to 43. Very few are in relationships now. I can only foresee one of these relationships ending in engagement anytime soon. The others try so hard. But it isn't easy. They are all great girls. Smart, good education, good jobs, funny. But as they get older, they find the guys they are interested in want someone younger. Most rarely mention fertility concerns when talking about not having someone now. Some do talk jokingly about freezing their eggs, others think they will never be moms, even though they want to be. Some tell themselves if I have not met someone by 36, then I will freeze my eggs. But for the most part, they are just looking to move to Stage 2: The Free Birds. Bottom line, I feel so lucky to have my husband and not dealing with dating now. I don't have the energy to go out three nights a week for drinks, wait for call and texts. I think there are aspects of this lifestyle that are fun and exciting, but I wouldn't want to change it where I am for anything.

Reasons why Stage 2:The Free Birds can be better than Stage 3. For the first 8 years of my relationship with my husband, one of us has always been in school. We were both in college at the same time. He went straight to grad school and I worked. Then he worked and I went to grad school. When we were 28, we finally were in a place where we had good jobs and could afford to enjoy ourselves a bit more. We started to do some nice trips and stay in nice hotels. We went on an Alaskan Cruise, we went to Europe, a spa in AZ, Montreal. Point is, we got to spend time enjoying being a couple without the responsibility of children. We weren't concerned with ovulation, I could have a gin and tonic on a whim, and never had to feel like having a diet coke would poision a potential fertilized egg and lead to a miscarriage. This was the blissful stage when I had no clue when I was fertile and if I did know, I would avoid getting romantic during these times at all costs.

Advantages to being in Stages 1, 2, and 3, to being in Stage 4: The Parentals: This is a classic case of be careful what you wish for. Everyone says that having a baby is the best experience, you don't know love until you have a child. But that child does impact your life. People in the first 3 stages get to sleep in. They can decide last minute to take a quick flight to Napa and go wine tasting. They can go to dinner and a movie and not pay a babysitter $40. If they want to have a lazy Sunday watching a Meredith Baxter Burney or Kelly Martin Lifetime Movie marathon, they can. While you gain something so wonderful, you lose some automony and independence. Your life isn't your own anymore, you are there to make sure your child is safe and happy and that is a 24/7 job.

So back to the question I posed earlier, why the sociological study? I guess I wished that I had lived stage 3 a little bit more like stage 2. I didn't enjoy TTC, it was stressful for me. I put a lot of pressure on myself and my husband, who really was a trooper about the whole thing. I felt like if I had a crystal ball and could see I had a child I could enjoy it TTC and see it as an extension of Stage 2. But to my knowledge, no crystal ball exists and there are no guarantees that you get a kid in the end. I think I lost sight of what I did have (great husband, good job, good friends, amazing parents, house that I love) and concentrated with all my energy on what a didn't have (a pregnancy and a baby).

I am not saying don't worry about it, worrying will impede getting pregnant. I would be the biggest hypocrite on the planet and plus I don't believe it. For most, pregnancy takes planning and thought. My point is, enjoy your independence. Enjoy going to dinner with girl friends during the week. Treat yourself to the manicure. Go out to dinner every weekend with your husband. Sleep in on Sundays. Cherish sleeping through the night. Because come pregnancy and baby, you lose a lot of advantages that you have enjoyed your entire life. Your time will come to be pregnant and your time will come to be a mom. Enjoy yourself now.