Old Scars Run Deep

I get asked a lot if now that I am pregnant, do the miscarriages still sting. There isn't a simple answer to this question.

In some ways, the majority of pain, or really hypersensitivity has passed in relation to my own situation. I believe the baby I am carrying now is the baby I was meant to raise.

On the other hand, certain aspects of going through the ordeal has stayed, and it isn't always about me.

For instance, this past weekend we were at a party and I saw a woman there who we have seen socially for years. I have known, from both her and others that they are having a hell of a time getting and staying pregnant. She told me before I was even trying that they were having problems.

Well she already knew I was pregnant, but at the party, another couple announced their pregnancy. She was so nice to both of us and had a big smile. But I know that smile. You are happy for these other people, but just wish you could join the team. It reminded me of how I would try to explain to my husband why these situations were hard. He never really got it and assumed I was being jealous and not happy for my friends. It wasn't that at all. I said it was like you tried out for varsity football and made the team and all your friends were on the team. And one day the coach cuts you from the team, with no warning and no reason. But every time you see your old teammates, they are wearing their jerseys and talking about practice or the big game. You just feel left out and wronged because you deserve to be on the team. People who want to be pregnant just want to be on the team and have incessant conversations about which bottles are the best and the merits of a $700 stroller.

So back to the party, I just felt awful and found myself saying, it was a really long road to get here and if it could happen to me it could happen to anyone. I was kind of a blubbering mess which must have only made things more awkward. But it showed me that I have such a deep compassion for anyone going through this. I don't want anyone to feel how I felt.

Another area that sticks with me is a feeling that the bottom could always fall out from under me. I know pregnancy is scary for anyone, but I don't think it is the same for someone who has gone through a loss. I feel there is a huge majority of people that get pregnant and just assume they will carry a healthy baby to term. Of course they might get nervous before a big test, but it isn't the same. For me, I crave constant reassurance- like pregnancy symptoms, ultrasounds, hearing the heart beat. I still get nervous I will see blood when I go to the bathroom. I know that's not normal.

I have also found that I am still a bit petty about people that have been married for 7 seconds and fall pregnant. Unless you are of "advanced maternal age" I don't get it and it offends me on behalf of all of those trying to get pregnant for eons.

After I got out of the first trimester, I have felt much more at ease. The geneticist at my 12.5 week NT screening said at that point only 3% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. This was a comforting stat. And it improves every week.

Looking at all these fertility experiences in aggregate, I am okay with it all. Quickly, living for the egg on my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor, waiting for the coveted Fertility Friend crosshairs, and making it to test day at the end of my TWW seems very far away. But I will never forget what it was like. I think while you are in the thick of fertility problems, you only partially believe it will happen for me. My friends and family would tell me all the time that it will happen. I just wish I could have truly believed it and I wish even more that people who read this will believe it for themselves.