Dealing With Pregnant Friends

Never do you see as my pregnant women as when you are have trouble getting pregnant. My big joke is stick with me and you will be pregnant soon because everyone I know is either pregnant, has a newborn, or just announced they are trying for baby #3.



People take different approaches to dealing with this pregnant people everywhere I go phenomena (or what I will refer to as PPEIGP). I personally found handling the PPEIGP was easier for me when people knew my story on my own terms. If I had told them about the miscarriages and surgery, I felt like, okay, it is out there. In these situations I feel mostly at ease.



However, when it isn't on my terms, I want to run and hide under something fertile. Such as last week. I was at my in-laws house for a family get together. I had asked my MIL not to tell the family about my surgery and miscarriages. She forced my hand at telling her sister-in-law. I begrudgingly gave in with the stipulation that her SIL not tell her kids and daughters-in-law. Well it was very obvious everyone knew and no one said anything to me. Awkward. Then my MIL's friend's daughters came in, both pregnant, and the entire focus of the crowd turned to kids and pregnancy. It literally gave me a headache. Everyone was saying how fun for sisters to be pregnant together. Seems my entire family all forgot I was pregnant at the same time as my sister-in-law, 2 weeks apart. This time, I just wanted to bolt.


If you haven't guessed, I am pretty much an opened book. I appreciate that not everyone is the same way. So I would recommend telling people that you feel comfortable with who can help steer conversation in such situations.

For me, it also depends how supportive a friend has been prior to their pregnancy. My best friend has been truly the most supportive friend in the world during my year of drama. She got pregnant her first shot and I don't feel an ounce of jealousy. It is really because I can still say anything to her. I can make comments about everyone in the world getting pregnant on their first shot, how insensitive so-and-so was, and every other thought I should probably keep to myself. She told me within 12 hours of getting her BFP. It wasn't like some dramatic announcement where she was trying to break the news. This I appreciated.


Tips for dealing with PPEIGP:

• Be a hermit in moderation: It is okay to remove yourself from situations that might be upsetting (a girls night in where everyone is pregnant but you) but don't make it a habit. If you just found out your husband has no sperm and you have the eggs of 65 year old, all in the same day, take a breather. Otherwise, don't shut out all your friends because they are happy.
• Think Ahead: Try to remember that you very well could be pregnant next month and then you would feel happy for your friends, so feel happy for them now, and your time will come.
• Enjoy the things you can do and they can't: drink, have caffeine, eat tuna to your heart's content, plan a romantic weekend, sleep in, and enjoy a whole movie without having to take 3 bathroom breaks.
• Stay off Facebook: This one has helped me immensely. People from high school are announcing their second and third pregnancies. Others got married 6 months ago and are already telling 300 of their closest friends that they are expecting. Also, the constant pregnancy symptom updates and polling of other moms for opinions puts me over the edge. One girl posted pictures of herself sitting on a stool in a hospital shower- part of her natural child birth. I am not making this up.
• Fake Fun Till you Make One: When a friend tells you she is pregnant, it probably will sting. Put on a happy face if one doesn't naturally spring forth. Act the way you would want someone to act when you make your announcement. When you have time alone, get upset. Talk to your husband, mom, or your best friend. Is it selfish? Yeah. But is it completely understandable? Of course. And the three people that love you most will get it too. In my experience, moms and best friends understand it much more and I mean much more than husbands.
• If it is too much, say something: If you have a friend that can prattle on about every detail to the point you want to stab her eyes out with an OPK, say something. Just say that you are so happy for her and her husband, but you have been having some trouble and it is a little hard to hear. Obviously you want to be there for her and know all the big milestones, but the daily play by play is a bit too hard to handle. And end with, "I am sure you understand." What can she say to that?
• Awkward is a Two-Way Street: If you have disclosed to your friend that you are having trouble and she has a modicum of social grace, she might feel unsure of what and how much to tell you. You might be fine hearing she and her hubby had a screaming match in Babies R' Us over espresso or white furniture but knowing he is calling the fetus "schmoopie junior" could be a bit much. Have one uncomfortable conversation to avoid 9 months of them. Or just ask specific questions about her pregnancy journey so the information comes on your terms.
• It is Okay to be Sad: You are entitled to be upset. I remember countless times I put on a happy face when hanging out with pregnant friends that had no idea what I was going through. As soon as we got in the car, the sadness would just hit me. My husband didn't get it and thought I was a bad friend. But it wasn't about them. It was about me and things not working out how I had hoped. Take the old dumping standard, "it's not you, it's me" and apply it to the feelings you are having now. In you heart of hearts, you don't really want a friend to be having fertility problems, you just don't want them yourself.
• Keep the faith: Just know your time will come. Even if it means fertility treatments or adoption, you can and will be a mom. It just might take longer than you expected.

While pregnancy is the only known cure for PPEIGP, I am hopeful these tips can help you deal with ever-expanding pregnant population.