Protecting Marriage from Infertility

I know I have posted on this subject before, but in the last month, I have heard from several friends about how their marriage is taking a beating from TTC.

In all situations, the woman thinks she cares more than her husband. The truth is, she probably does, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want kids. One of my friends is going to start fertility treatments in the next 2 months and has a rainbow of emotions about it. Her husband isn't getting why she is so emotional about it.

In a couple of the situations, the husband is opposed to adoption. In one of these instances, they have gone through years of treatment and in another situation they haven't going through almost any treatments, but it is still a source of contention.

As someone who struggled to get pregnant, this makes complete sense to me. You want to know your options. Some options are easier to agree on, such as clomid, IUI, and IVF. Others require more reflection like surrogacy and adoption.

Before my husband and I even started trying, we agreed we would both be open to adoption. Knowing that we both wanted kids no matter what, was a relief to me, especially when things went south.

Despite being aligned, we weren't insulated from bickering because of trying to conceive troubles. When I think back, my overwhelming feeling was "he doesn't get it". He doesn't get why I am so upset. He doesn't get why I am so sensitive. He doesn't get why this latest set back seems so dire. At times it was infuriating. But what I didn't get at the time was that I was lucky. He never made me feel defective, even though the problems clearly laid in my court. He never made me feel like it was taking too long. He was of the mindset that it will happen when it happens. The only time he made a comment that all this was happening to him too, well it really upset me. And I did feel for a minute that I had failed him.

When I look back on the year and half we tried to conceive, especially after the first miscarriage, I do realize that we argued more than normal and I was at times resentful. Now we rarely argue and I haven't had the feeling once of he just doesn't get me.

Infertility is such a deeply sensitive and personal issue. So it seems natural we would expect our husbands to intrinsically know how to make it better. But really, what can they do besides besides making themselves available during ovulation, get testing if necessary, and letting you know that it will work out and one day you will have a child?

If your guy cried with you when you got another negative pregnancy test, is that really going to make you feel better? Personally, it would make me feel 100 times worse. In retrospect, I do think I lashed out at times at my husband, because he is my person, the one friend in the world that has to take what you dish out. I do think he could have been more sensitive to situations that would knowingly upset me. But theoretically, we were in the same boat, and those social situations with 20 pregnant people talking about their registries and pre-natal classes, didn't seem to phase him.

My advice, be explicit about what is upsetting you and what you need from you man. Have the mindset that this tension will pass. And know that a man's need to have a kid is often not nearly as strong as a woman's. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to have your children, it just isn't the only thing on his mind, like it seems to be for us.

TTC and The Toll it Takes on Marriage

While I am probably skewing the results of my latest poll by publishing this, I am struck by the resounding consensus of us TTCers. This week I asked "how on board is your husband or signficant other about TTC? "

As of the day I published this, every single respondent, myself included said, "All for it, but he thinks I am a bit crazy about TTC".

I started thinking why is this? And I realized for the first time that woman are fertile about a day or two a month. Men are fertile every single day. Right off the bat this disparity puts a lot of pressure on the woman. It is easy to jump to conclusions that there is something wrong with you if you aren't pregnant within a couple months. Since fertility is so fleeting each month for women, some of us become militant about having well-timed intercourse. I have seen much advice dispensed about just initiating and not telling him you are in your fertility window.

This doesn't fly for many and definitely not in my relationship. There is about 0 to 2% chance I could actually keep from my husband that I was peaking. And with my luck, if I were playing it all coy, he would be too tired from work and refuse my advances. Then I would have a melt down and we would end up having awkward, perfunctory, baby-making sex. So for me, honesty is the best policy. While we don't want to make our men feel like baby factories, there is a bit of planning required to get the job done right.

I have had friends text me at 1 in the morning filled with ire because their husbands wouldn't man up during their peak and this resentment spills over into their everyday lives.

Another area that causes tension is when getting pregnant is taking longer than you expected. It is easy to blame yourself and I think a lot of woman fear their husbands will blame them. Also, some men are very resistant to getting a sperm analysis or even IUI or IVF because they want to physically deliver the sperm.

Finally, the next area of baby-making tension is financial. The idea of starting a family can be daunting for a man. In addition to another mouth to feed, big decisions need to be made, such as should one of you stay home with the child, day care or nanny, public school or private school, bigger car, college... I could go on and on. This pressure tends to way heavily on the minds of our husbands.

Here are some tips to keep things harmonious while trying to conceive:

1. Manage expectations: Have a discussion that TTC can be a long process. Both agree that you will give it a set amount of time before you start getting tested (i.e. 6 months, 1 year, etc) and getting crazy with the whole process.
2. Set a game plan: Determine if it came to it, what would you both be comfortable doing. Discuss Clomid, IUI, IVF, Surrogacy, and Adoption. If you both know you are want a biological child more than anything, than you can feel more secure you have science in your corner. If on the other hand, you know both of you prefer to have a child naturally, but if it can't happen, you are both happy to adopt, that can take a lot of pressure off. Are you comfortable with twins? Triplets?
3. Don't forget your marriage comes first: When you got married you weren't handed a certificate entitling you to a baby. You married your man because you loved him and enjoyed his company. Don't look at your husband as a means to an end.
4. Give him a science lesson: explain to your husband that there is a fertile period and a short window of time each month. Unless you normally have sex every other day, just leaving things up to "what happens happens" isn't going to make the zealous TTCer comfortable. Get commitment upfront that your DH is willing, tired or not, to have sex during your peak times.
5. Spare the details: guys don't want to know you have your period, your egg has been released, and you are having cramps. Keep some boundaries.
6. Make a budget: look into how much day care/nannies cost in your area. Scope out some furniture you like on the web and talk to friends to see how much preparing for a baby cost. Look at your salaries and see what you can afford (staying home, day care, nanny). If you can show by the numbers that you can afford to have the baby, it might put his mind at ease.
7. Laugh with each other: Learn to laugh at how crazy you get about TTC. If you can both laugh at it, it will ease the tension.
8. Accept that it is different for you: Even though you both want a child, odds are you want it more than he does. You are willing to do whatever it takes, and he has no problem skipping a month. He isn't going to be mopey for 3 days after you get your period. It is just different. Don't judge him for not caring enough, it is a battle he can't win.
9. Enjoy being just a couple: Go on that fabulous vacation you haven't had the chance to take or something more local like dancing or cooking classes together. Go to concerts or fancy dinners, because pretty soon you will be paying a babysitter for a night out on the town and you will fill guilty dropping the kids at your mom's for two weeks so that you can tour Europe.
10. Tell him what you need: Guys don't necessarily know how to make it better. If they say, "it'll happen one day" we think they don't care enough and if they say "I can't believe it didn't happen this month" we think they are insensitive and doesn't he know that is only going to make me feel worse. Tell him what will comfort you, "There is no rush, it will happen, we will have our baby". My husband asks me, "does it really matter if we are 50 or 51 when our child goes to college?" That is a good perspective because right now it seems so dire, but when you project the situation 20 years in the future, it doesn't seem like such a big deal.
11. Tell your husband what kind of dad he will be: Help him share you vision by telling him what a great dad you think he will be. I picture my husband being a great little league coach. We often fight over which subjects we can help our kids with in school. Though we are both academic nerds, Greg was admittedly a slightly, and I mean slightly better student. As such, he feels he is better equipped to handle history, math, and English. I was relegated art and music. Neither of us want science - our shared least favorite subject.

Now I just need to practice what I preach.

What tips do you have for calming the craziness and keeping the peace while trying to conceive?