Several months back I was talking my baby for a walk and we passed the neighborhood school. It occurred to me then, I really have no idea where we will be living when Evan is ready for kindergarten. In all honestly, I don't know where we will live when he is ready for preschool. And the latter presents problems because I need to start trying to get on waiting lists.
We live in the city and while there is more than enough room for 2 adults and one toddler, things will be too close for comfort with another baby. On one hand, I am in no rush to leave the city. Even though we don't have a yard, we are a very short work to the largest park in the city and can even walk to the city zoo. We know we wouldn't sell this place to get another place in the city. A move means a move to the suburbs, which means a significantly longer commute for my husband who now takes a bus and need be, it is about a 15 minute car ride.
I feel there are a lot of factors when determining when to have a second child.
1) finances- luckily we have much of the gear from the first child, but would need another bed and likely a bassinet, which we didn't use the first time around. Evan costs us about $200 a week in food, diapers, classes, and supplies, so I can assume through toddlerhood we would double this. Plus they pick up more activities and expenses with age.
2) Spacing of kids- ideally I would like three years apart between kids, but after the struggle to have the first kid, I can't assume it will just happen. It could take a long time- so do I start early or start when I would want and prepare myself the age gap could be much greater?
3) Housing- this is a big one. We have a three bedroom place but the third bedroom is on a different floor. We use that room as a guest room/office/ and my workout room that I use daily. I would be sad to give it up. I never had the baby stay in our room because my husband was working. As soon as he cried, I turned off the monitor, closed my bedroom door, closed his door, and took care of him so my husband could sleep. I don't want a baby that doesn't sleep through the night sharing a room with Evan and keeping him up. So either the new baby could sleep in our room, or I will be post c-section sleeping on a pull out couch in my former workout room. It just isn't ideal. But it isn't ideal to move while pregnant, with a newborn, or two toddlers either.
I suppose there are no right answers. Change is difficult, but I don't want to jump the gun and sell our city home until I know we need to move.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Here's What they Don't Tell You
If you are having problems getting pregnant, people want to lift you up by telling you all the good things that life without kids means. Sleeping for starters, freedom to come and go as you please, seeing a first run movie in the theater- you get the picture.
Here is the big one you probably have not been told- with children comes disparaging comments about your parenting from your in-laws. If things were strained before, just wait until baby comes along. I get along well with my in-laws, but sometimes I cannot believe the things that are said.
Let's take today. My mother-in-law comes over to see Evan. I am slightly freaking out about his lack of language acquisition (another post to come on this) so I have been making a conscientious effort to label things and repeat words. He thinks animal noises are funny. Please forgive this digression, but why are there so many baby products geared around farm animals? Maybe this is ethnocentric because I have lived in a city or suburb my whole life, but it seems like overkill. Evan alone has a tracker toy that totes along a wagon of animals, a little people farm, and a page in his 100 first baby words book dedicated to farm animals. They sell baby flash cards of just farm animals. I guess they are cuter the Little People meter maids and streets and sanitation workers.
As I was complaining- Evan picked up his animal book and I started doing my new word game with him. In my view, there is only so many times you can ask, "what does the cow say?" and get no response. So now I ask, "what does the cow say when he is happy" and I say moo all excitedly and tickle him, and then I ask "what does the cow say when he is surprise?" and I bark moo and lift him unexpectedly. I run through a rainbow of emotions and the move on to another animal who is also feeling overly emotional. He thinks this is hilarious. So she asked why was I doing this. I responded, "to help him build vocabulary and to learn to label his feelings?" And she says, "you need help." with her mouth cocked up and this judging look in her eye that my sister-in-law and I have seen all too often.
It is not like I can snap, "I would like to see you do better" since the product of her parenting is my husband. I guess these judgments come with the territory, but I could definitely do without the snarky remarks.
Here is the big one you probably have not been told- with children comes disparaging comments about your parenting from your in-laws. If things were strained before, just wait until baby comes along. I get along well with my in-laws, but sometimes I cannot believe the things that are said.
Let's take today. My mother-in-law comes over to see Evan. I am slightly freaking out about his lack of language acquisition (another post to come on this) so I have been making a conscientious effort to label things and repeat words. He thinks animal noises are funny. Please forgive this digression, but why are there so many baby products geared around farm animals? Maybe this is ethnocentric because I have lived in a city or suburb my whole life, but it seems like overkill. Evan alone has a tracker toy that totes along a wagon of animals, a little people farm, and a page in his 100 first baby words book dedicated to farm animals. They sell baby flash cards of just farm animals. I guess they are cuter the Little People meter maids and streets and sanitation workers.
As I was complaining- Evan picked up his animal book and I started doing my new word game with him. In my view, there is only so many times you can ask, "what does the cow say?" and get no response. So now I ask, "what does the cow say when he is happy" and I say moo all excitedly and tickle him, and then I ask "what does the cow say when he is surprise?" and I bark moo and lift him unexpectedly. I run through a rainbow of emotions and the move on to another animal who is also feeling overly emotional. He thinks this is hilarious. So she asked why was I doing this. I responded, "to help him build vocabulary and to learn to label his feelings?" And she says, "you need help." with her mouth cocked up and this judging look in her eye that my sister-in-law and I have seen all too often.
It is not like I can snap, "I would like to see you do better" since the product of her parenting is my husband. I guess these judgments come with the territory, but I could definitely do without the snarky remarks.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Can I be Breezy?
My good friend from grad school introduced me to the term "breezy". As in, "Do you think he is going to call you." To which she would respond, "I am not going to worry about it, I am trying to be breezy," as she slyly glances down to see if her phone forgot to ring and she had a missed call from the man being discussed. Well for her, a man, a good one at that, did call back and she was married last year after being "breezy" about getting engaged. And now, with that same breezy attitude, she is taking a stab at getting pregnant.
We met for lunch this week and I asked when she was testing and she said she wasn't sure, in a couple weeks, she wasn't tracking her cycle. Of course, on account of her being breezy. This is so antithetical to everything I stand for, I rudely retorted, "You are not 16 in the back of a '67 Chevy, you need to do some planning here!" We are super close, so I can say this sort of thing to her.
And so the reality dons on me, that I don't think I can breezily try for baby number two. I kind of thought I could take things as they come. However, I was speaking to a friend who went through several rounds of IVF to have her daughter. Since it was such a struggle, they "aren't preventing". Yet every month, she starts to feel nervous during the TWW and gets disappointed when she isn't pregnant, even though she isn't fully trying yet.
Part of me thinks, no matter what happens in TTC a second child, I am a mom and love being one, and we could be happy as a family of three. Then reality seeps in and makes me realize I might be internally a fertility freak again, living by the reading on my monitor and waking everyday at same early morning minute to get an accurate temp reading.
I think it is fair to say I don't wear breezy well.
We met for lunch this week and I asked when she was testing and she said she wasn't sure, in a couple weeks, she wasn't tracking her cycle. Of course, on account of her being breezy. This is so antithetical to everything I stand for, I rudely retorted, "You are not 16 in the back of a '67 Chevy, you need to do some planning here!" We are super close, so I can say this sort of thing to her.
And so the reality dons on me, that I don't think I can breezily try for baby number two. I kind of thought I could take things as they come. However, I was speaking to a friend who went through several rounds of IVF to have her daughter. Since it was such a struggle, they "aren't preventing". Yet every month, she starts to feel nervous during the TWW and gets disappointed when she isn't pregnant, even though she isn't fully trying yet.
Part of me thinks, no matter what happens in TTC a second child, I am a mom and love being one, and we could be happy as a family of three. Then reality seeps in and makes me realize I might be internally a fertility freak again, living by the reading on my monitor and waking everyday at same early morning minute to get an accurate temp reading.
I think it is fair to say I don't wear breezy well.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Those Girls
If you are anything like me, (and hopefully you are not), I secretly judged how other pregnant people acted when I wanted to be pregnant. Like the ones that complained how hard, tiring, uncomfortable, inconvenient (feel free to fill in the blank) it was to be pregnant. And those that made their husband's carry their purses because they were just too dainty to do so.
I vowed I would not be one of those girls. And as a matter of integrity, I wasn't. I was so determined to be grateful and to let the world know it. As my husband could tell you, one of my favorite phrases is, "you should be so lucky", usually used humorously as to why he should feel so fortunate that I love him so much. This great turn of phrase can easily be applied to the moms-to-be, whom I liberally judged. You should be so lucky that your back aches and your rings are too tight. You should be so lucky you get winded going up a flight a stairs and can't bend to tie your laces. I did, however, suspend harsh judgement for those that were legitimately in a bad way such as excessively nauseous requiring hospital visits and severe sciattic nerve pain. Bedrest also garnered my sympathies. Otherwise, if you waddled and wailed about it, you were on my list.
When I was pregnant with Evan, I vowed to complain as little as possible. The god's honest truth, the most uncomfortable part of being pregnant for me (outside of taking progesterone and having an anal strep exam in my third trimester) is the consistent need to use public bathrooms, which repulses me. But there were months that I didn't sleep and heartburn was my number one trusted companion. I just didn't want to be like, those girls.
In my own mind, I felt like I was better because I knew what a gift it was to feel those symptoms, because I knew what it was like when the symptoms suddenly went away. However, I had an eye-opening experience the other day. I was talking to someone that had lost a baby, was told she may never be able to carry a child, and then went on to have a child after four rounds of IUI. She said, she was the opposite, she was so excited to finally be one of those girls that could complain about her back, her lack of a waistline, and the kicking that kept her up all night.
So while I have now walked a mile in those swollen feet, and know what it is like from an insider's and outsider's perspective, I realize now I was too judgmental. And maybe if you find yourself rolling your eyes at your rotund, complaining friends, just know you too will soon be wanting to complain about the trouble with being pregnant. So be careful what you judge, because you will really want to complain when your time comes.
I vowed I would not be one of those girls. And as a matter of integrity, I wasn't. I was so determined to be grateful and to let the world know it. As my husband could tell you, one of my favorite phrases is, "you should be so lucky", usually used humorously as to why he should feel so fortunate that I love him so much. This great turn of phrase can easily be applied to the moms-to-be, whom I liberally judged. You should be so lucky that your back aches and your rings are too tight. You should be so lucky you get winded going up a flight a stairs and can't bend to tie your laces. I did, however, suspend harsh judgement for those that were legitimately in a bad way such as excessively nauseous requiring hospital visits and severe sciattic nerve pain. Bedrest also garnered my sympathies. Otherwise, if you waddled and wailed about it, you were on my list.
When I was pregnant with Evan, I vowed to complain as little as possible. The god's honest truth, the most uncomfortable part of being pregnant for me (outside of taking progesterone and having an anal strep exam in my third trimester) is the consistent need to use public bathrooms, which repulses me. But there were months that I didn't sleep and heartburn was my number one trusted companion. I just didn't want to be like, those girls.
In my own mind, I felt like I was better because I knew what a gift it was to feel those symptoms, because I knew what it was like when the symptoms suddenly went away. However, I had an eye-opening experience the other day. I was talking to someone that had lost a baby, was told she may never be able to carry a child, and then went on to have a child after four rounds of IUI. She said, she was the opposite, she was so excited to finally be one of those girls that could complain about her back, her lack of a waistline, and the kicking that kept her up all night.
So while I have now walked a mile in those swollen feet, and know what it is like from an insider's and outsider's perspective, I realize now I was too judgmental. And maybe if you find yourself rolling your eyes at your rotund, complaining friends, just know you too will soon be wanting to complain about the trouble with being pregnant. So be careful what you judge, because you will really want to complain when your time comes.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Gone but Not Forgetten
I have been a bad blogger. I felt like once I had a baby, readers stopped commenting or sending me notes, because I was no longer one of them. I thought to a degree, that there is a kinship among those of us who have worn our brand of scarlet letter, that you root for each other because it is a success story and something that helps us hold on to hope.
Recently, I have received a flurry of e-mails from readers who have found the blog after researching things like luteal phase defect, progesterone, the Clearblue Easy monitor. It got me thinking, maybe there still is a place for me in this space, because I completely identify with the person I was when I started the blog.
My title of the post is Gone but not Forgotten, because I will never forget what I went through in order to have a child and that influences each day of my life. It is still very much apart of me.
A couple of week's ago, I went to the Ob/gyn for my annual exam. A woman came out from an exam room, sat on a couch across from me and was quietly crying. I also saw about 4 very pregnant women waddling about, oblivious to what this girl was going through. But I had been that teary-eyed girl in the waiting room. She said during her exam they didn't hear a heart beat and she was waiting for an ultrasound. She was in her first trimester. The same thing happened with me when pregnant with my son, I told her, and he was fine. I got called back a couple seconds later and I couldn't calm down, because I was so upset about this woman, and wanted to know that her baby was okay.
This past weekend I was at a party and was speaking to someone I had met, and liked, over the years. She had twins a couple months after I had my son. Turns out we went to the same fertility doctor. We started talking about what we went through and how hard certain situations had been like friends announcing they accidentally got pregnant, siblings getting pregnant at the same time we had miscarriages, and the constant need to pee on a stick. There is an understanding we shared of what we have been experienced and an appreciation of what we have.
In some sadistic way, I miss charting temps and turning my monitor on each morning. I actually miss the nervousness of the TWW. With that said, I am jumping back into the blogging game because I know from emails, that there isn't as much information on the web as we would like. And I also know, that some people, like myself, take comfort in knowing that if someone had their silver lining than I will too.
Recently, I have received a flurry of e-mails from readers who have found the blog after researching things like luteal phase defect, progesterone, the Clearblue Easy monitor. It got me thinking, maybe there still is a place for me in this space, because I completely identify with the person I was when I started the blog.
My title of the post is Gone but not Forgotten, because I will never forget what I went through in order to have a child and that influences each day of my life. It is still very much apart of me.
A couple of week's ago, I went to the Ob/gyn for my annual exam. A woman came out from an exam room, sat on a couch across from me and was quietly crying. I also saw about 4 very pregnant women waddling about, oblivious to what this girl was going through. But I had been that teary-eyed girl in the waiting room. She said during her exam they didn't hear a heart beat and she was waiting for an ultrasound. She was in her first trimester. The same thing happened with me when pregnant with my son, I told her, and he was fine. I got called back a couple seconds later and I couldn't calm down, because I was so upset about this woman, and wanted to know that her baby was okay.
This past weekend I was at a party and was speaking to someone I had met, and liked, over the years. She had twins a couple months after I had my son. Turns out we went to the same fertility doctor. We started talking about what we went through and how hard certain situations had been like friends announcing they accidentally got pregnant, siblings getting pregnant at the same time we had miscarriages, and the constant need to pee on a stick. There is an understanding we shared of what we have been experienced and an appreciation of what we have.
In some sadistic way, I miss charting temps and turning my monitor on each morning. I actually miss the nervousness of the TWW. With that said, I am jumping back into the blogging game because I know from emails, that there isn't as much information on the web as we would like. And I also know, that some people, like myself, take comfort in knowing that if someone had their silver lining than I will too.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Reunion Reflections
This weekend was my ten year college reunion. It also coincided with a visit from my parents, so I decided not to partake in any sponsored events but to see a couple people coming in. It is really amazing to see how ten years changes a person. Take for instance one of my closest friends from college. He was my polar opposite, he was a raver, did drugs, spoke to his parents only on Sunday. If it was someones birthday, anniversary, or someone happened to be sick, you better hope it happened on Sunday or he wouldn't be a'callin'. I on the other hand thought pacifiers were only for babies, had rounded out my tenure as Students Against Driving Drunk President before my freshman year of college, and spoke to my parents daily. Today he is incredibly successful, went to Harvard Business School, is married to the sweetest girl, and just had his second baby. He came over to meet Evan and we hung out in his nursery and talked baby stuff for 2 hours. Never in a million years could I have foreseen this exchange 10 years ago.
At night, my parents and Greg stayed with Evan while I met some girls from my sorority at a bar. Of the 7 of us, only one other had kids (pregnant with number two and had bought herself some boobs since college, but I digress.). Another two were married. Of the marrieds, one had moved to the suburbs years ago and the other was leading this high powered life commuting between capital hill and her house a couple states away to be with her husband. And then there were the fabulously single, traveling to Africa for work, acting on national commercials. Then to hear what other friends were doing, was unbelievable.
When asked if I was going back to work since having a baby, I said, "no, not for at least a year, maybe longer. It took a lot of work to get him, so I want to stay home and enjoy him for a while." And it was left at that.
After dinner, the group was heading over to a bar but I wanted to go home and check on the baby. The married friend from the suburbs said, I got the impression you had trouble getting pregnant. I said, "seriously, if you ever need to know anything about this stuff, feel free to call me, I feel like I know all there is to know." She said, "I doubt as much as I know."
Apparently, they have been trying for four years. She lost 2 babies around 20 weeks. It is some genetic disease and any baby they have will have a 1 in 4 chance of having it. There is some test they could do on eggs, but they only offer it in Germany. We talked for a minute or two but the group wanted to go to the bar.
I am sure it will all work out for her, but emotionally, what a nightmare until that baby is born. What I can't get out of my head is how she is even able to attend this reunion. You know one in three people is going to have a baby and you know there are going to be people like my raver friend that you would never think would have kids by now and has two, or people who were hard-core partiers or totally bitchy people and they have kids. I just don't know after two horrible losses like that if I could stomach a reunion.
I think there is a kind of kinship among people who have had issues, so I feel really glad I made some comment about having had trouble. Versus the pregnant girl with the new boobs who order a ginger ale and said "read into this however you want". It just goes to show you that you never know what other people are going through. But it isn't just about pregnancy. One of the girl's mom was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer and given a grim prognosis. Prior to hearing this I had said how my parents flew in for the weekend to see Evan. She isn't married, doesn't have kids, and her mom might never see her have children. For me, the reunion was a lesson in general to be a more compassionate person, which is ironic, because I think more often then not, people use reunions to show off about how far they have come since way back when.
At night, my parents and Greg stayed with Evan while I met some girls from my sorority at a bar. Of the 7 of us, only one other had kids (pregnant with number two and had bought herself some boobs since college, but I digress.). Another two were married. Of the marrieds, one had moved to the suburbs years ago and the other was leading this high powered life commuting between capital hill and her house a couple states away to be with her husband. And then there were the fabulously single, traveling to Africa for work, acting on national commercials. Then to hear what other friends were doing, was unbelievable.
When asked if I was going back to work since having a baby, I said, "no, not for at least a year, maybe longer. It took a lot of work to get him, so I want to stay home and enjoy him for a while." And it was left at that.
After dinner, the group was heading over to a bar but I wanted to go home and check on the baby. The married friend from the suburbs said, I got the impression you had trouble getting pregnant. I said, "seriously, if you ever need to know anything about this stuff, feel free to call me, I feel like I know all there is to know." She said, "I doubt as much as I know."
Apparently, they have been trying for four years. She lost 2 babies around 20 weeks. It is some genetic disease and any baby they have will have a 1 in 4 chance of having it. There is some test they could do on eggs, but they only offer it in Germany. We talked for a minute or two but the group wanted to go to the bar.
I am sure it will all work out for her, but emotionally, what a nightmare until that baby is born. What I can't get out of my head is how she is even able to attend this reunion. You know one in three people is going to have a baby and you know there are going to be people like my raver friend that you would never think would have kids by now and has two, or people who were hard-core partiers or totally bitchy people and they have kids. I just don't know after two horrible losses like that if I could stomach a reunion.
I think there is a kind of kinship among people who have had issues, so I feel really glad I made some comment about having had trouble. Versus the pregnant girl with the new boobs who order a ginger ale and said "read into this however you want". It just goes to show you that you never know what other people are going through. But it isn't just about pregnancy. One of the girl's mom was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer and given a grim prognosis. Prior to hearing this I had said how my parents flew in for the weekend to see Evan. She isn't married, doesn't have kids, and her mom might never see her have children. For me, the reunion was a lesson in general to be a more compassionate person, which is ironic, because I think more often then not, people use reunions to show off about how far they have come since way back when.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Baby Boom
All of you trying to get pregnant should come hang out with me because it seems almost everyone I am friends with has fallen pregnant. I am half kidding, but I do have about 7 pregnant friends now and one that I suspect is pregnant. And no joke, for all but 2 of them, it happened the first time out of the gate.
Now at this point, Evan is 3.5 months and the true light of my life. I am completely fine with everything I have been through because if it hadn't happened, he wouldn't be here and it would be some other kid. But I still deeply feel the pain of a couple of my friends that have been trying for years. And it isn't fair that it can be so hard for some, especially people you know would make fantastic parents.
A couple weeks ago, we were hanging out with a group a friends and another one of the couples announced their pregnancy, adding the third pregnancy to our little group of couple friends. A little while after the announcement I was sitting and three of the guys were talking about how people act like it is so hard to get pregnant, but it was so easy. The other two agreed saying it happened their first time and the other confessed it happened for them without really trying.
Herein lies this issue with family planning. You have no idea if it is going to take 1 month or 2 years. Even now, I have identified an ideal three month window to conceive a second kid (yes, we all know I am a planner), but what a joke that is. There is no guarantee we would be able to have another baby and particularly, one conceived in my perfectly packaged three month window to optimize the children's age differences and my delivering maternal age. You would think I could be breezy trying for a second, but clearly, that isn't in my cards.
Now at this point, Evan is 3.5 months and the true light of my life. I am completely fine with everything I have been through because if it hadn't happened, he wouldn't be here and it would be some other kid. But I still deeply feel the pain of a couple of my friends that have been trying for years. And it isn't fair that it can be so hard for some, especially people you know would make fantastic parents.
A couple weeks ago, we were hanging out with a group a friends and another one of the couples announced their pregnancy, adding the third pregnancy to our little group of couple friends. A little while after the announcement I was sitting and three of the guys were talking about how people act like it is so hard to get pregnant, but it was so easy. The other two agreed saying it happened their first time and the other confessed it happened for them without really trying.
Herein lies this issue with family planning. You have no idea if it is going to take 1 month or 2 years. Even now, I have identified an ideal three month window to conceive a second kid (yes, we all know I am a planner), but what a joke that is. There is no guarantee we would be able to have another baby and particularly, one conceived in my perfectly packaged three month window to optimize the children's age differences and my delivering maternal age. You would think I could be breezy trying for a second, but clearly, that isn't in my cards.
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